Friday, January 5, 2018

Three Phones, Two Ladies and the Remnants of a Man

C Robert Shaffer "Before

Amanda Stern "Culprit A"

Pinky Penmark "Culprit B"

 The Downward Spiral

There has been some confusion lately with my home (yes, I have one) phone, my mobile number, and my Google Voice number which doubles as a business line where Pinky's assistant screens Pinky's calls. Pinky's assistant (me), by the way, is grossly underpaid. The confusion started and has been building ever since Google started listing numbers for Pinky.

The final curveball in the phone number situation is that a seemingly bright and charming new friend, Amanda L Stern, evidently hijacked Pinky's line for unknown reasons because now every time a call comes to the Google Voice number the caller id reads that it is Amanda Stern calling. Pinky is not at all happy, and my greatest hope is that this situation could lead to a girl-on-girl fight. If it does, I promise I will broadcast it live and also upload a copy to the winner's YouTube channel.

At any rate, over the past 48 hours, a scientific poll has been underway, and the results are shocking. Keep in mind that these three lines are essentially mine, as in like solely mine, you know. Why, do you ask? Umm, because Pinky isn't actually real and Amanda doesn't live here. That's why.

In 48 hours, 34 calls were received, from 33 unique callers. Robert received two (2) calls from the same person, Aaron Horcha, because she was cold or some crap like that. In 14 of the calls, the caller asked for Pinky. Another 18 of the calls were identified as coming from Amanda Stern, and in those 18 calls from Amanda in 3 of them, the caller also asked to speak to Amanda.

Amanda's 18 plus(+) Pinky's 14 equals ( = ) what I call B*LLSHIT! Folks, there is not even a one-tenth sliver of the Kinsey scale within me that leans in their direction, and they have taken over my life. All one of them would have to do now is sprinkle a little "Me Too" movement my way, and you could stick a fork in me and call me done.

C Robert Shaffer "After" 

You are welcome to check the math, but it is all correct and indeed adds up to exactly this, "For Christ's sake, WTF?" I cannot make this stuff up. I may indeed package it a little nicer, but, folks, it is not a product of my imagination. I think I will blame Hillary Clinton.

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